Posted 29 October 2023 by Sal
Peace and Love
Here is my reply to an email from a friend.
You say, asking about creative control, "watching how I am not able to decide on anything or lead my way towards anything for long, basically, I am not able to control myself in any way - I wonder - is it because all that was deciding in me is just the ego? Who decides inside me on anything? I can't grab anything inside of me and I am scared to let go. On the mundane plane I feel like I'm hugely failing - I say something and don't do it."
As far as creative control, this goes to the idea of doership. Any creative idea that comes up you don't create or choose. The idea just comes. If then, the intention to play out this idea comes, then again, that intention just comes up, you don't create or choose it. If from that, the motivation to act on it appears, it's the same. You don't create that. From that motivation may come the action itself. Of course, at any point, the inspiration to continue or to stop will appear. Whichever that is you also don't choose or create. So, you may begin something and then lose interest and stop. That entire movement is not self-created.
If you really know this then you can't blame or find fault in yourself when you stop. And conversely, you can't take credit or pride if you continue and succeed. So then the problem, if there is one, is that because you have an idea of what you should do or shouldn't do you find fault in yourself because whatever happened did not live up to your idea. Even that 'should' or 'shouldn't' is not self-created. It is an idea. There is no creator of anything. Religious people ascribe creation to a god, but that is because they can't accept that they are not in control and so for some sense of understanding and security they will say, "it's the will of God." But, if I recall correctly, you don't have any kind of god belief. So then, it seems you are stuck, which means you feel you have to take all the blame and credit.
I say, I have no idea why anything is. There is no one here in control and I don't believe in a higher power who does control. So where does that leave us. Surrender. True surrender means, I don't know. I am not in control. Whatever is, is. Period. If you are able to see that it is only because of your ideas and expectations about yourself that a problem arises, then you can be free of it. This is surrender also. There is only now. There is only now. And one more thing, there is only now. What is now is what is, period. All else is imagination.
You ask, "Why do you say that listening often to your recordings makes a difference? What is the listening doing?" It is not the listening itself that does anything. It is the fact that what I say, and all I am interested in is turning you away from all of the movements of imagination and towards the truth of your essential being now. Your ground of being, which is free and already surrendered. So listening a lot means you are turning your attention to yourself a lot. It doesn't matter what I say if that doesn't happen. When you listen, instead of just listening to me, listen to your inner voice, calling you home. For that you don't even need to listen to me, but it may be some support and inspiration. If so, that is good.
You say, "I wonder - is it because all that was deciding in me is just the ego?" Ego doesn't decide either. It simply takes credit or blame, after the fact, after the movement, whatever it is that has appeared. So there is no ego in control either. If you continue to listen to the rantings of ego you will fall for its ruse. But if instead you turn around and know and be yourself in your true free peaceful essence, you will know - truth, freedom and peace. Why, because that is who you are essentially. It is your ground of being.
So then, what to do? I see everything as a movement home. The good, the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. It is all a tap on your shoulder saying, "what is most important, my dear? What do you truly want? Everything you desire and strive for is in the end the desire for peace, love and happiness. You feel you will get peace, love and happiness if you get what you want. But do you? Maybe for a moment. My beloved, turn around and see, you are peace and happiness itself already." This is how I like to see life. Then, everything is a call home. Everything is grace.
For this to happen, for it to be your own way of being and living, you have to know that what you want is contentment and peace. For this what is needed? True self love. True devotion to your own peace and happiness. For that to be your raison d'etre. Then you will find it is already here, now and always. The work we do is not trivial, even though I make is as simple as I am able to. But you have to live this freedom always, moment to moment. Then, see if there is more peace and contentment for you, in your own being.